PADSTOW UNITED A.F.C.

True story emailed by Annette Robinson from last weeks game - Absolute cracker!!!

"GREEEEEEEEEEEEN ARRRRRRRRMY"

 A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when  he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9  Iron."The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.  Again, he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the club  Away, and grabs a 9 iron.  Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.He is shocked. He says to the frog, Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, he?"The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog. The man decides to take the frog with Him to the next hole.
What do you think frog?" the man asks. Ribbit 3 wood."The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.By the end of the day, the man golfed The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit  Las Vegas ."They go to  Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table.The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you  You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss Me."He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
 With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

Peter Crouch causes slump of wide-screen T.V.

Sales of Wide Screen T.V. plummet.  The reason; England fans realize that they cannot see all of Peter Crouch on the 1333 x 768 pixel models.

The answer is the revolutionary 1333 x 3413 pixel model that Curry's are seeking to franchise.

Stupid Football Players

The Padstow manager walked into the changing room before a game.  He looked over to his new signing and said, 'I'm not supposed to let you play because the committee reckon you're thick as hell, but we need you to be in the team. So, what the committee have agreed is that if you get a math question correct  then you will be allowed to play.'

The player agreed, so the manager looked into his eyes intently and asked, 'Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?'

The player thought for a moment and then answered, '4?'

'Did you say 4?' the manager exclaimed, excited that he had got it correct.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began shouting..., 'Come on Gaffer, give him another chance!'

10 Commandments for Women During the Football Season

Extremely important recommendations for wives, girlfriends, fiancées, mothers, sisters and daughters.

1. From 4th August  to 10th June, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions.  The remote control will be fingerprinted each night, any sign of your fingerprints and all shopping trips will be cancelled for a month.
2. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, for an important reason such as preparing snacks or getting in the beers, I don't mind, as long as you crawl along the floor.
3. During the football season, read the sports section of the newspaper so that you get the flavour of the football season
4. During the games I will be blinkered to match.  You cannot expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, it wont happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say ' get over it, its only a game', or 'don't worry, they'll win next time'. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called ' words of encouragement' will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
8. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
   I will not go, I will not go, and I will not go.

   However, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

9. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. The daily football season highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even say ' but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?
10. And finally, please save your expressions such as: 'Thank God the football season is only every 4 years'.  I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League.

 Padstow United v Wadebridge

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Wadebridge and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a wadebridge FC fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are "Bridge" fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Wadebridge fan', she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: 'Well if you're not a Wadebridge fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I'm a Padstow United fan, and proud of it', Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Green Army fan?'

'Because my mum and dad are from Padstow, and my mum is a Padstow fan and my dad is a Padstow fan, so I'm a Padstow fan too!'

'Well, 'said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, 'that's no reason for you to be a Padstow fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and you dad was a drug dealer and car thief, what what you be then?'

'Then', Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Wadebridge  fan.'

"7 bed detached!!! I've only got a mobile home at Padstow!"

Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and think big!

I've also arranged your transport, a Jaguar XK8 for the week and a Ferrari F50 for the weekend."

The lad is on cloud nine. "A Jag and a Ferrari!!! I only had a Reliant Robin at Padstow!"

Ferguson continues "I told you, we're talking Man United here... the best team in the country, you've got to aim high and keep thinking big! 
Right I will put you on at the start of the game, but don't be surprised if I pull you off at half time."
The lad can't believe it. 

"Pull me off at half time !!! I only got a cup of tea and some midget gems at Padstow!"

One Dozen of the Best Football Bloopers

And now we have the formalities over, we'll have the National Anthems
Brian Moore

'We signed to play until the day we died.  And we did'
Jimmy Greaves, bemoaning players frequently change clubs:

The last player to score a hat-trick in a cup final was Stan Mortenson. He even had a final named after him, the Matthews final
Lawrie McMenemy

It's now 4-3 to Oldham, the goals are going in like dominoes
Piccadilly Radio

I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in
Terry Venables

It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked
Barry Davies

We have been saying this, both pre-season and before the season started
Len Ashurst

But as you know, the result for City is not as bad as it sounds on paper
Steve McIllwenn

Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go, but then they equalised
Ian McNail

Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn't one of them
Peter Jones

It was a fair decision, the penalty, even though it was debatable whether it was inside or outside the box
Bobby Charlton

Believe it or not, goals can change a game
Mike Channon

The offside rule explained for the ladies

Picture this: you're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.